The 10 Greatest Achievements in Female Body Painting

1. Rebecca Romijn as Mystique
X-Men Franchise

Hats off to the genius who decided that the best way to portray the mutant Mystique using nothing but body paint, and much jealousy to the lucky bastard whose job it was to paint her even though he is probably gay. The dumbest of many dumb decisions in X-Men 3 was having her changed into a normal human. She was the only thing that made that abomination watchable.

2. Demi Moore Vanity Fair Cover
Vanity Fair, cover 1992

I remember this very fondly. The year was 1992. I was a sophomore in high school and just going through puberty. I’m just kidding. I was a Junior in high school. There’s nothing like getting aroused while standing in the checkout line at the grocery store with your mother. Then I saw this cover and all was lost, including my innocence.

3. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models

I’ve never been able to figure out what swimsuit modeling really has to do with sports, and I really don’t care.

4. World Cup Babes

This is pretty much the only way other than fights and broken bones to make soccer interesting to me.

5. Metallic Girls

Women love precious metals, and guys love women, therefore painting women completely gold and silver should make everyone involved happy. Works for me, anyway. It even makes Paris Hilton look better, and that’s saying a lot.

Here’s a Julie Newmar goldie dance…(You may remember Jules better as Catwoman)

6. Vida Guerra as Tiger Woman

This kitten’s got claws as well as the best derriere in the business.

7. Super Heroines

Superhero costumes look like they’re painted on anyway, so why the hell not?

Wonder Woman

Danger Girl

Elektra (Could be, anyway?)

Supergirl. Can you think of a better use for Photoshop? What? It’s digital paint…

Captainess America?

Carpenter Girl. A woman who can do handy work definitely has super powers…

Ok, so some of the superheros are a bit of a stretch. So sue me. I could have easily gone with something like this….

8. Corporate Advertising

Branding inspires loyalty to a product. I feel that more companies should embrace this form of advertising to capture the coveted 18-34 year old male demographic.

9. The 12 Signs of the Zodiac

Making pseudo-science fun! I’m a libra. No wonder I’m a boob-man

10. Playboy

No other organization has done more to advance the art of female bodypainting. Or the great art of ogling hot chicks in any shape or fashion for that matter.

The 10 Greatest Achievements in Female Body Painting